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To my son

My son,

i am writing this for you but as i write, i realize i may be writing this for myself. That i would always remember of the time when i was enough. Warm mommy hugs were the highlights of your day. Playing with mommy is bliss. Changing your nappy while you twist and turn is the hardest thing i have to do (except when you get the sickies then it’s the worst!). Feeding you is bonding time. Mommy kisses made you giggle with delight. You make me carry you everywhere i go except when we’re on your play area and you want to crawl and sit and roll and do whatever. You love biting me with your toothless gums which will, pray not too soon, grow teeth. Bath time is play time. You love jumping on mommy’s lap while i hold your hands. Mommy can kiss all the fears and pain away. Mommy is the only one you want to be with-not those strangers. My attention mean more to me than anything in the world. My love is enough to get you through the day. At one time, it was. Right now, son, it is.

One day, i won’t be enough.
One day, you will learn how to stand. How to walk. And then you may learn how to walk away. You may unintentionally or intentionally hurt me, love me less, care for me less.
One day, you may stop caring about what i think, what i do, how i am (i hope not!).
One day, you will not be a messy eater but you would not want to eat with me too.
One day, you will learn to let go of the crazy crying crying because of the stranger anxiety but you may be anxious not to be seen with me anymore.
One day, your hands will grow to fit mine better but my hands won’t be the hands you’d want to hold.
One day, i may not be your greatest love.
One day, you will leave me-not to crawl going to daddy’s arms as you do now,but to leave and make your own home. One day. Someday.
But not today. Today, all is right in the world.
Today, i am your first love, your greatest love.

I have always heard people say this and i tell you this too with more meaning than ever:
“You may outgrown my arms but never my heart”.
I love you more and more each passing day and i never thought i could love you even more than the day you were born. I was wrong. My love for you today is stronger than yesterday and it will be stronger tomorrow and even more the day after.

I love you and the world may go on turning or it may stop. But my love for you won’t. The Lord may take me or you away but my love won’t be taken away. You may grow so big even bigger than mommy but my love for you will be bigger. You may one day decide to live halfway across the world from me but my love for you knows no distance. I may grow old and forget about things but i will not forget you nor the love i have for you. That love will always be yours. Never taken away, only multiplied as days go past.

You are our life’s greatest blessing. You were, you are and still are my greatest miracle. You are the most perfect gift from heaven. I love you forever son. And if i love you this much, i cannot imagine how much the Lord loves you! For He loves you more than i ever could.

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Flying with time

I know, everyone’s heard about it, time flies. It goes by so fast. Enjoy it, savor it, blah blah blah. But seriously, after my son went a size up on his wardrobe ( and the time came again for me to gather his now “small” clothes) and feeling proud thhat he’s gaining both weight and height steadily and consistently, i had that bittersweet moment.

My son was born SGA (small for gestational age). I was crushed because all along, our doctor told us he was perfect. Until that last ultrasound came, i was around 36-going 37weeks at that time. His growth percentile dropped. We had a talk with my doc and since we are teeny asian people, it is somehow to be expected that our baby won’t be so big but i sure did not expect him to be small for his age! You could not imagine the guilt and the pain i went through after days of labor, a painful natural birth and capping it off with trips to the nicu every two hours to nurse my son after i just gave birth. Man, i didn’t know i could stay alive for so long without sleep!

When we finally brought him home, i remember how his newborn outfit were all too big, loose and baggy on him. His newborn diaper leaked. My husband bought him preemie diapers which fit him better. I wake our little baby religiously every two hours to feed him when he’s too sleepy to feed. And guess who was the happiest person on earth when he turned 2 1/2 months and his clothes needed to go up a size–me!!!

At the time, i thought, ” Most parents would cry because they’re baby is growing up so fast. I’m crying tears of joy because finally, my baby is actually growing!!”. I enjoyed every pound he gains, my tired arms tried not to complain (i developed de quervain’s disease eventually but i don’t care. I still carry him as much as i can), my lap is always occupied with his soft baby hum, my head is constantly filled with his baby scent (yes, it goes away so fast too they say, so i sniff him every breathing chance i get), my heart is filled with so much love i can’t imagine how it doesn’t consume me.

Eventually, i got here, to a point when his growing has become bittersweet. He started crawling really well a week ago in fact, on exactly his 7th month birthday! And i was so proud back then. I remember, just last week, i was filled with so much pride and joy that my son is so smart and strong that he is physically capable of crawling! And then two days later came the realization, that dreaded reality i have always known but deliberately always swept in to my subconscious. The obvious things even non-moms know.

When i put away my sons clothes, i know and i am reminded that he is growing. Growing up so fast and i cannot freeze time. Today is the youngest he will ever be. Did i make the most out of it? Did he get the most out of it? He will never be as young as he is today…sad? -bittersweet i say. He can’t always be my baby but i am blessed that God kept him alive and a day older each day. Millions of people wish to get a day older and they don’t. This is a luxury i intend to indulge in.

When i put him on the floor, letting him go, letting him crawl towards my husband-his goal, and when he reached my husband and he did the same so that our jakey would crawl to me, and i caught him in my arms like a guy who finished a race, it was more than letting my son crawl. It was like letting him go for the first time. Mock trial of letting him on his own-exploring his whole world and watching him conquer each step (or in this case, what to call it? A wiggle in life?), and being there for him, cheering him on amidst obstacles, trials (which for now only consists of toys he had to go through) to reach his goal. Applauding him for a job well done and then telling him how proud he has made me with tears of joy filling my eyes (no, the tears did not fall. Too much drama for the hubby). This may be the first of the last that his goal is to hug mommy and daddy. That reward is enough for him now.

Time is flying, it speeds up the more it knows we need to freeze it. Time is fleeting. Life is fleeting. I am grateful that my son is alive today. I am grateful that i enjoy 7months worth of yesterday and a brand new tomorrow. I am blessed with this family. I cannot do anything about time and growing up and growing old but there is one thing i can do-making each moment count.

The saying “savor it”, it’s not cliche. It says the truth.
We sure can’t beat time but we can make the most of it.

This is our moment. There is none like it. We spend it nonetheless. Make it count.

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Spring :)

The sun is up and the birds are back.
The snow is melting and the dripping sound of thawing ice is accompanied by the singing birds. The grass is damp and the skies are blue. The end of winter gives birth to another season. Spring has come and we have lived another season to enjoy it. Thank You Lord!

*Life is short. Savor every minute!

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