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What’s up with this world?

So, I’ve been dealing with this for a while now. And it’s just a part of a bigger thing but it deserves its own entry so I’ll just focus on this first.

I was a pediatric nurse where I came from. I worked long hours (O.T.Y. most of the time-over time/thank you a.k.a. No overtime pay) at a government hospital (where we take an oath every Monday to serve all those in need, even beyond our hours,etc).

Please understand that I honestly do not want to make such a big deal out of what I do. That’s my job. But i just felt, I’m really at loss for words for this, there must be a proper word for this or at least let me find the right one. Can i say, judged? Misunderstood? Help me out with the words. I missed A LOT of family time, birthdays of friends, families, heck-even my own birthday! Anniversaries, Christmas, labor day, you name it!

But you know what’s worse? Taking care of strangers when you can’t take care of your own family when they’re sick. From where i worked, it’s not that easy to file for a sick leave. I was suffering from my own disease and when i called in sick, i was asked to still try to report for duty! I ended up getting confined at a nearby hospital when i almost collapsed at home. Needless to say, i didn’t make it to work.

There was a time when my husband, then my boyfriend was sick and he is RARELY sick. I got home from my night shift at around 10 a.m. (it’s a really ling commute), took a nap and bought him a late lunch. I got to his house (he lives nearby) at 3:30 p.m., just as I arrived, I got a call saying they’re short on staff and had to report at 6 p.m. sharp. I travel 2-3 hours depending on traffic so I left immediately. No, I didn’t get to eat with him ( I wasn’t able to eat at all). Yes, he was pissed but also understood that it’s my job.

If I were to recall the number of times my mom got sick, my grandpa got sick, my brother got sick, my sister was sick, my father was sick, my nephew was sick, my boyfriend was sick, (hey-I was sick) and didn’t get to take care of them(or even myself), I can’t because I’ve already lost count. And to know that i am caring for strangers; And to know that these people I know are counting on me-and I am repeatedly disappointing them, neglecting them by not being there for them. Even if they know that I have a job to attend to, that I have to leave them for others who need me more, nothing could change the fact that I WAS NOT there for them when they needed me. And there would always be that phone call, that look on their faces, imprinted on my memory when they need me to be there and all I can say is, “I have work” or “I’m on duty”. And that silence before they say, “I understand. I just wish you could be here,you know. But it’s ok. I understand.” And my heart breaks a hundred tiny pieces and I try to find and put them back together, taking care of people i didn’t know. And there-the reality that despite my best efforts to balance my time, my life revolved around my career.

 

Fast forward:

Here I am, exactly 2 years and 4 1/2 months later after I resigned. I have a very happy 6-month old baby boy who I would not trade for anything or anyone else. I devote all my time and energy so I would not miss anything with my little one. And here yet again, I hear people saying, “don’t you ever get bored?”, “what do you do all day?”, “what a waste of a bachelor’s degree”, “Don’t you have any plans to work again?”, And I wonder, why does  “job/career” give out such a power that those who do not have it somehow lose a part of their dignity?

I mustn’t care what they say and somehow, I do. I am hurt when people look at me, unemployed, a stay at home mom who depends on her husband for money, useless to them. I don’t want this to be a rant for appreciation but there it is, the world who hates.

It judges the Diane who worked and hates the Diane who chose to be there for her child. It judges the Diane who had financial independence but never seem to have enough time and the Diane who depends on her husband but is always there for her family. The world who doesn’t know what I go through, how I felt, how I feel, what I do, what I went through.

The world who has no right to speak to me as cruelly as it does for it is never contented. It just eats up what it can and I can’t let it eat me up. I have to be strong for my son. He needs me more than anyone in this world. And that just put things in perspective. Molding him to be the man the Lord wants him to be, raising a human being, being there for my son, that’s what matters most for me now.

I have reached a point where being there is more important. I will never get this day–or ANY day back. Family first. Quality time. Ah! There it is–what I never seem to have enough of before-time! I have it and I will spend it all on my loved ones. No more missed birthdays, Christmas is with my loved ones and not a 3 a.m. lonely dinner after a post mortem care. My pride can drown itself where I cannot see it for all I care! My husband’s providing for us AND the rest of the world can shut up- Because it’s not contributing to me other than my misery. So to you who listened to my rantings, cheers!

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25 Rules for Mothers of Sons

Wow.

Life Out of Bounds

My dear friend, Maria, passed a blog post onto me and I had to share it with all my readers.  Have a tissue handy; maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones or maybe I am starting to grasp reality since my baby with my 5 years old in a few short weeks.

25 Rules for Mothers of Sons

1. Teach him the words for how he feels.
Your son will scream out of frustration and hide out of embarrassment.  He’ll cry from fear and bite out of excitement.  Let his body move by the emotion, but also explain to him what the emotion is and the appropriate response to that emotion for future reference.  Point out other people who are feeling the same thing and compare how they are showing that emotion.  Talk him through your emotions so that someday when he is grown, he will know the difference between angry and embarrassed…

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February 7,2014

Just so I will always remember this day. It’s not even your birthday but my heart just swells with joy. Just because.

I love you and I thank God everyday for choosing me to be your mom. There is no greater honor in life than being chosen to carry you, to deliver you,to hold you, to care for you, to love you, to raise and mold you into the man you are destined to be. May the Lord give us wisdom, unlimited patience and gentler hearts as we do our daily tasks as your parents. You are very much loved my dear son.

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There will always be only one you. You are irreplaceable, unique, beautiful. And I will love you even if you out grow my arms, because you will never outgrow my heart. I love you my baby!

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6th month immunization

12 years ago, your father held my hand for the first time. February 12, 2002. That was our J.S. prom.
Exactly a year ago, I met the doctor who eventually, delivered you. where did the time go???

If I could take away the pain, I would. But this is for your own good. There are worse things than pain from injections and having a fever and those awful diseases are just some of them. So please bear with me my son. I didn’t do this to hurt you but to make you stronger and less vulnerable. Because i love you.

My mom would always tell me that the pain for my own good before I get my vaccine shots. I never believed nor understood her. And now that I finally do, I finally have a son who thinks otherwise!

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TMI

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I couldn’t let my baby out of my sight and apparently, even if I could, he wouldn’t have any of it! So, as gross as it may be, I’ve decided to take a memento of how I managed taking care of a baby without suffering from urinary tract infection.

Using the bathroom even to wash my hands, ALONE, is SUCH a luxury. But i love him and i can’t stand him crying when I leave him even for less than 2 minutes. Is this setup wrong? I don’t know but it works for me. My baby had colic and still has reflux so it’s been like this since he was a month old (my mom stayed with us the first month so i was a little pampered for a month).

ps: i used to put him in a car seat, but he hates it now and loves his tub..so now that he can sit with little assistance, in the tub he goes! And he thinks he’s in a boat! Makes waiting for mom extra fun.

Dear Son,
this is but one little evidence of how much i love you.

Love,
Mom

(I think some moms may be able to relate..)

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Huh

There is nothing-nothing I say, that can prepare anyone for motherhood. Even a nurse or a doctor who has had countless experience with delivering and taking care of babies could ever prepare one for motherhood. No books, blogs, magazines, etc., no matter how many you read could ever prepare you from being one.

Every child is unique just as every mother is. Just as every situation of the unique child and mother is. There is no exact formula. No perfect solution. One can only pray and try and do her very best.

You can pretend to know. Yes , ms.know-it-all, mrs.i’ve-done-my-research, mrs.i’ve-had-experiences-with-blah-blah-blah-before.. Seriously, You can ONLY pretend. No offense intended.

Yes it is best to prepare, to read, to learn, but when the time comes and you hold your tiny baby in your arms and you see eye to eye for the first time and his little hand holds your finger and see his little smile, you’ll still feel unprepared, fragile, unworthy, and yet strong and full of love more than your heart can ever, ever hold. And then fear would start to sink, as you realize that the world is too big and too cruel for you to protect your dearly beloved child.

And then that smile, that beautiful, angelic smile, would remind you there is a higher power in control. That you cannot protect him all the time but your role would be to mold him, to hold him and to prepare him for that time when he had to let go of your hand, and pray that when that time comes, that little person you once held, would someday, in his own way, will make the world a better place.